It’s often difficult to know what to get someone for their birthday. Will your sister appreciate a Coldplay CD? For her the sake of her musical tastes you may hope not, but they’re selling cheap at ASDA. Does granddad want a book about Nat King Cole? He’s into crooners but he’s also into the BNP. And as for mum, Baileys or Harvey’s Bristol Cream – what does one drink with Valium?
Thankfully the good people at the Sun newspaper have created a product that anybody would appreciate, a chance to see themselves on the front page of the Sun with a personalised faux-news story about their upcoming birthday. Usually to get mentioned on the front page of the Sun you have to do something special, like be an Argentinian conscript serving on the Belgrano before it was illegally sunk during the Falklands, or get crushed to death at a football match as a result of police incompetence, or even have your life tragically cut short by a gun wielding Paralympian. Though to be fair the last one only works if you’ve got decent tits and there are some pictures available of you in a bikini.
But fortunately all one need do now is go onto the Sun’s website and type in your name, age and location and the Sun will happily mock up a front page for you. In fact I doubt you even have to visit the website, another way might be to leave your order on the voicemail of a dead schoolgirl and wait for a Sun journalist to get back to you.
It is easy to why so many people would want to be associated with the Sun and its brand that for millions of Britons sums up all that is best about Fleet Street. This is the paper that with Woodward and Bernstein-esque investigative journalism has run such seminal stories as “STRAIGHT SEX CANNOT GIVE YOU AIDS – OFFICIAL” and uncovered the secret activities off swan munching asylum seekers.
There you have it a bespoke front-page fit to feature in any home. Well, except any homes that contain the gay mafia, scrounging benefits claimants, dinosaur trade unionists, looney-lefties, hairy-man-hating feminists, job-stealing immigrants or people with any fucking moral compass at all.
In fact some people really don’t like the Sun. One of these people is the Guardian’s Marina Hyde who has written an article for Comment is Free that were I not, let’s say, affecting authorial voice in order to satirise the Sun newspaper and its politics, I might be tempted to describe as one of the best pieces of polemical journalism I have read in far too long.
Toby Young however understands the appeal of the Sun, to people who find violence against women gives them erections, and speaks dismissively of “rabid” “lefties” engaging in “tomfoolery” for their opposition to a recently deceased woman being used as wank fodder.
TORIES NOT FIT TO BE PARENTS SAYS GAYS
A group of gay men have caused controversy today with their remarks on the right of Conservatives to be parents.
In what their supporters are calling ‘a good day for common sense’ the homosexuals have taken issue with what they see as the increasing manner in which trendy political correctness has trumped the right of children to be bought up in a safe manner.
“Look at Margret Thatcher, how can you tell me she was honestly capable of creating a loving or caring environment” said Ross Westgrave, a 28-year old graphic designer and penis fan from Hackney. “And it shows, Mark Thatcher’s basically Flashman without the charm, trying to lead military coups in countries he can’t spell. As for his sister Carol, what a racist shit-for-brains she is.”
“I can hear the critics now, describing us as Toryphobes who just need to get with the 19th Century” said another male phallophile, Rhys Murphy, a 41-year old plumber living in Ardwick. “But I actually have a Tory friend, I don’t mind them, as long as they’re not one of those Tories that come out of the closet and start acting differently, wearing tweed, jabbing single mothers in the eye and basically living up to the stereotype.”
“What people need to realise is just because being a Tory is acceptable in the Shires for a lot of kids in the cities or the North coming from a Tory family could lead to a lot of playground bullying.”
The remarks have caused a buzz on twitter where Tim Montgomery of ConservativeHome has presumably waffled on for a bit before posting a blog by Nadine Dorries from his site.